Paris is Burning

Normally I wouldn’t lower myself to even address this issue, but today I am going to. After two days and a whole lot of bull about what a maturing experience jail will be, Paris Hilton is being released to home arrest. The reason? The poor little dear lost her appetite and wasn’t sleeping well. Oh, we’re sorry — if jail is uncomfortable, by all means return to your mansion and parties and friends and serve the remainder of your sentence there.

Utterly ridiculous and shameful! As if we weren’t already convinced that the criminal justice system flies to pieces in the face of celebrity and money, this certainly puts a fine, indisputable point on it. (Why didn’t someone take care of this with the business end of a filed down toothbrush when they had a chance — just kidding!)

It’s called punishment! You broke the law and so you get punished. It’s supposed to be uncomfortable and miserable — that is the whole point! House arrest? Excuse me?! She should be forced to do hundreds of hours of community service. Paris getting her hands dirty for the first time in her life is exactly what this spoiled, famous-for-being-famous young woman needs.

The other option I can think of is Survivor: Fight to the Death where Paris, Lindsay Lohan and Tom Sizemore are all thrown on a deserted island and the winner is the one who successfully kills and eats the other contestants after 30 days. (Girls, if you get tubby Tom early, he’ll last quite a while. Unfortunately for you, Tom, there isn’t a whole lot to chew on the ladies…)